News Flash #1 - When Mom and Dad Share It All

Article URL:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=when%20mom%20and%20dad%20share%20it%20all&st=cse&oref=slogin

Frye, Marilyn. “Oppression.” Feminist Frontiers. Ed. by Verta Taylor, Nancy Whittier, and Leila J. Rupp. New York: McGraw-Hill Humanities, Social Sciences, & World Languages, 2007, 7-9.

Why hasn’t the division of labor for men and women in the home changed in the last ninety years? This question is easily answered if we look at society and how it perceives men and women. The key lies in the gender roles that have been constructed as a means of developing a patriarchal hierarchy in which men are deemed the superior sex. These gender roles are not explicitly stated but ingrained in our society in order to dictate the ways in which men and women think and behave. In previous generations these expected gender norms have led to the creation of two separate spheres, the public and private sphere, which were each populated by different genders. The public sphere was the workplace, which was dominated by men, and ruled by capitalist ideals. The business world was considered too corrupt and dangerous for women, so “for their protection”, women were banished to the private sphere, or the home, where they could fulfill their maternal duties. The creation of a capitalist market transformed money into the most valuable and sought after resource in the United States. The jobs that paid the highest salaries were considered the most important, and the men that held these positions gained authority and power. The private and public spheres never overlapped, so as men in the business world were growing more powerful, the women in the home were being pushed aside and forced into a subservient role. The value of women’s work in the home began to steadily decline as the value of money increased. Although the concept of the public/private sphere has long been dismissed, its philosophy, that women belong in the home, is still present in society.

When Mom and Dad Share It All, by Lisa Belkin, is an article that addresses gender roles and the ways that parents try to rebel against the traditional model of household labor divisions. Belkin interviews three couples who strive to achieve an equal distribution of domestic labor between the husband and wife. This phenomenon has been called many things, from shared care to equally shared parenting, but one point that Belkin brings up is; why does shared care need to be designated as something other than parenting. Shouldn’t parenting entail equal responsibilities for both the husband and the wife, and why does society consider shared care to be such a novelty. Well the truth is that equally shared parenting is rare and it is different from traditional parenting. The University of Wisconsin National Survey of Families and Households shows that the average wife does 31 hours of housework per week while the average husband does 14 hours a week. (Belkin 3) When we look at the ratio for men and women who both have full-time occupations we see that the numbers change slightly but that the women are still doing the bulk of the work (28 hours wife: 16 house husband). When a women’s sole occupation is as “housewife”, it makes sense that she would be spending almost double the amount of hours working in the home compared to her husband. What is disconcerting is that even when men and women are working full-time jobs, it is still the responsibility of the wife to complete the majority of the household chores. However, these statistics are not new, and most men and women recognize the inequity between the division of labor and childcare.

So why do most of the household obligations still fall on the wife? Once again the key lies in gender roles and deep-rooted societal norms. Belkin sites three main reasons why the traditional division of labor is accepted among the general population. The first explanation Belkin gives is that compared to men’s professions, women’s occupations are considered more flexible and on average pay lower salaries. Therefore women are expected to work fewer hours and sacrifice their careers in order to devote more time to their children. Belkin supports her belief by stating, “How many people ask a pregnant woman if she is going to go back to work after the baby is born? How many people ask her husband?” Society just assumes that it is the women’s responsibility to forfeit her career in order to raise her children. Some people may disagree with this point by saying that women are not forced into choosing certain professions, and that the decision is completely up to them. However, this is not entirely true. From a young age women are encouraged to pursue certain hobbies and subjects that ultimately promote specific careers. There is an “unspoken assumption” that leads women to pursue certain occupations. This is why today, men dominate the fields of math and science and women are predominantly teachers and social workers. Secondly, Belkin attributes the unequal divisions of labor to a phenomenon know as the “frission of superiority.” The frission of superiority is much like the false superiority described in Marilyn Frye’s article, Oppression. Both articles describe this phenomenon as the false sense of dominance and gratification a woman experiences when she is in charge of the household and proves to be the more competent parent. Belkin states that most woman enjoy when their husbands ask them for help with household chores, such as the laundry, because it proves that they are the more capable. However what these women do not realize is that the frission of superiority does not raise women to a higher level, but guarantee’s that they will never escape the unequal distribution of labor that is so prevalent in households across the United States. Belkin’s third and final explanation for the unequal division of labor is that people are comfortable with what they know. Gender roles were established in our culture over a hundred years ago and people are comfortable with the idea that a woman’s chief concern is with the home and raising her children. The idea of shared parenting is so shocking and noticeable, because it challenges the traditional family paradigm and makes the husband equally responsible for household chores and child care.

In her three arguments, Belkin makes it apparent that gender is a major factor in the division of childcare and household labor. But to further support her conclusion Belkin studied and interviewed lesbian couples to observe what happens when gender is factored out of parenting. Consistent with her original hypothesis, Belkin found that lesbian couples make equal professional sacrifices and that both parents report spending about 6 to 10 hours fulfilling household duties. When a couple is composed of individuals of the same gender, neither parent is considered to be more or less superior to the other and each parent is equally responsible for child care and household labor. Belkin writes, “It is not clear, however, why lesbian couples split parenting more equally. Is it because you take gender out of the equation, or because women are better at sharing or because parents of the same gender see things more similarly?” (Belkin 12) To me the answer to this question is obvious. I believe that gender has everything to do with the equal labor distribution between lesbian couples. In heterosexual relationships, men feel less responsible for household duties because they gage the amount of time they have to spend time on child care by looking at other men’s behavior. Men look to their fathers and neighbors and emulate their parenting styles. So by imitating other fathers, they feel that they are doing enough as a parent. The only problem with this approach is that most men are not taking on enough responsibility as a parent, so the unequal distribution of labor remains constant. The few men who are engaging in shared care parenting will not change the distribution of labor on a widespread scale because the overwhelming majority of men leave most of the parenting responsibility to women. As long as most men continue to participate in unequal divisions of labor, the current parenting model will never change.

Shared care is an important and revolutionary idea, but unfortunately it is not easy to execute. Belkin illustrates through the relationship of Bill and Alex Taussig that equally shared parenting requires sacrifices from both the husband and the wife. In order for a shared care relationship to work, both parents can only work part-time jobs. This does not seem like a major problem, but with the current state of the economy it is extremely difficult to support a family on two part-time salaries. Belkin points out in her article, that the Taussig’s can only afford one car and that each week they have to alternate between who uses it. Alex states however, “The 10 percent salary cut that we each take is a price we consider worth paying, understanding that this is an option available to those who can make ends meet in the first place.” The ability for a husband to find a part-time also becomes a main obstacle to shared care parents. In today’s society, a husband’s main priority is considered to be his job. Most employers subscribe to this belief and expect that men will work full-time. As Bill Taussig realized, many employers are not even willing to look at a man’s resume if he has not agreed to work full time. Eventually however Bill was able to find part time work by negotiating with his employer. “What Bill realized was that he had the same right to flexibility as his wife, and he requested a four day schedule. While hers was granted automatically, his met with resistance, and eventually he just took it, by negotiating a paternity leave that he would parcel out one day per week for 10 weeks. When the ten weeks were up he just kept taking Fridays off.” Like many other couples, Bill and Alex Taussig did not stick with shared parenting, stating that it was just too much keeping score. However they did learn an important lesson, “the point is not to spit at gender for the heck of it but rather to think things through instead of defaulting to gender.”

Lisa Belkin addresses some major and controversial issues in her article, When Mom and Dad Share It All. She challenges the traditional parenting model and asks why society has defaulted to certain ideas and norms. Lisa Belkin, much like Marilyn Frye, develops the idea of societally constructed barriers that confine women to the home, and restrict mothers from escaping the duties of child care and household labor. Women are expected to shoulder most of the work at home, while men need only to be concerned with their careers. It is important for people to recognize why we have these general perceptions of men and women, and to challenge the foundations that created these societal norms.